The transition between years seemed a good time to gather the Fox "News" Spin Cycle team and re-administer the FNSC oath. Those who refused were fired on the spot and reported to the Department of Homeland Security. I'm not fooling around anymore.
This is what they all promised to do for my dear readers:
I hereby swear I will do everything in my power to make fun of Fox "News" until my last breath and that no joke, or smear is too low, so help me Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Now, let's get right to this week's Fantasia of Fox Fun™:
|That's only because Mitt Romney is eminently mockable, Falafel King. Mitt Romney will be a political punchline for decades to come. The sooner the GOP realizes this, the more comfortable they will become. Soon he will barely be mentioned by the GOP, just like Dubya during the last 4 years.|
|It's wasn't the Obama cliff, Bully Boy. It was always the GOP cliff and, lemming-like, they threw themselves over it. In the end they got a worse deal then President Obama offered in the first place. Well done, John Boehner!!!|
|Your much-valued (/snark) GOP was a part of that bipartisanship deal, Bully Boy! Cooperation is how business gets done in Washington. If you and your fellow Teabaggers don't like it, then maybe you should come up with a political tactic that isn't the equivalent of holding your breath until you turn blue.|
|You don't really want my thoughts, Bully Boy.|
|This little cartoon from Media Matters for 'Merka puts the Fox & Friends morning line-up meeting in its proper perspective. Fox & Friends is the most virulently anti-Obama show on the Anti-Obama network, provided you discount for Sean Scammity. However, Scammity is only on air 1 hour a day, 5 days a week; F&F serves up its its Anti-Obama breakfast 3 hours a day, 4 hours on weekends. This is how it beats Scammity in the Anti-Obama sweepstakes: VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!!!|
|Where to start?|
First, I ask the same question I always ask in times like this: Is this half-Governor, failed-VP candidate, failed reality show host, Mama Grizzly Bear with lipstick still a Fox "News" employee?
Next: What the hell was that? Most people can say "Happy New Year" in less than 4 words. It took Sarah Palin a shitload of words to turn New Year's Eve into a political and religious polemic. What's up with that?
Then there's that whole Chronicles thing. BibleGateway quotes God as saying in Chronicles 7:14, "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land."
See? God just wants a little attention from his creation, right?
Not quite. Sister Sarah is taking God's words out of context. [While I don't believe in God, I pray that people who take Her words out of context go straight to Hell.] The quote comes from the larger narrative of Soloman, in which God describes his Heavenly Protection Racket™ worthy of a Martin Scorsese mafia movie:
11 When Solomon had finished the temple of the Lord and the royal palace, and had succeeded in carrying out all he had in mind to do in the temple of the Lord and in his own palace, 12 the Lord appeared to him at night and said:
“I have heard your prayer and have chosen this place for myself as a temple for sacrifices.
13 “When I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or command locusts to devour the land or send a plague among my people, 14 if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land. 15 Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. 16 I have chosen and consecrated this temple so that my Name may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will always be there.
17 “As for you, if you walk before me faithfully as David your father did, and do all I command, and observe my decrees and laws, 18 I will establish your royal throne, as I covenanted with David your father when I said, ‘You shall never fail to have a successor to rule over Israel.’
19 “But if you[a] turn away and forsake the decrees and commands I have given you[b] and go off to serve other gods and worship them, 20 then I will uproot Israel from my land, which I have given them, and will reject this temple I have consecrated for my Name. I will make it a byword and an object of ridicule among all peoples. 21 This temple will become a heap of rubble. All[c] who pass by will be appalled and say, ‘Why has the Lord done such a thing to this land and to this temple?’ 22 People will answer, ‘Because they have forsaken the Lord, the God of their ancestors, who brought them out of Egypt, and have embraced other gods, worshiping and serving them—that is why he brought all this disaster on them.’”
TRANSLATION: "Nice little temple you got here. It's a shame should something happen to it."
|Fox "News" sent this out to disguise the real headline: "Republicans Voice Serious Concern Over House Leader."|
|House (R)s totally screwed the pooch on the so-called Fiscal Cliff negotiations. Now, to make the best of it, they are trying to sell the pups.|
|Another update that sounds dirty. [I don't follow sports and had to look up "Gamecocks." It wasn't at all what I thought.]|
|I think every generation finds that the younger generations are ruder. |
Now get the fuck off my lawn or I'm calling the cops.
|After The Orange One skedaddled off the floor of the House without bringing the Hurricane Sandy Relief Bill to a vote it appeared as if -- for one brief moment -- Fox "News" was going to go 'all in' on the political destruction of Speaker John Boehner. They promoted several people, among them Rep Steve King as well, who excoriated Boehner, pretty much disemboweling him in the process. |
However, later in the day -- whether it was due to a memo from The Suits above, or not -- the Fox "News" coverage lurched in an entirely different direction. Suddenly, according to Fox "News," Boehner didn't bring up the bill because it was loaded with pork.
It took Jon Stewart, returning from vacation a week after Fox "News" reversed the anti-Boehner tide, to put the bullshit pork argument into perspective. He's clearly angry.
|Why can't you go away, Bully Boy?|
|Despite it being a Brand New Year, it's still the same old shit on The Five, known far and wide as the worst show on tee vee since My Mother The Car.|
|Leave it to Fox "News" to seize on any meme to WHITEwash the gun control debate away from the massacres. As an added bonus, it gets to slam Rep. Feinsteain in the bargain. It's win/win for Fox "News."|
|I bet Heather Childers is not afraid to share cheesecake pics of her legs. Oh, Ainsley Earworm, you were so much more fun before you went and got married.|
|Even Alysin "Chains" Camerota isn't afraid to show off her assets, if you get my meaning, Ainsley.|
|Oh, fer fuck's sake!!!|
|I'd sleep so much better if you'd just go back to delivering my morning cheesecake shot of your legs, Ainsley.|
|Fox "News" has had so much fun with this story since it was announced. Leave it to Bully Boy Bolling to be first off the mark with the BREAKING STORY.|
|This is just BEFORE Fox "News" reversed course and started to defend Speaker Boehner for his brave stand in not holding a Hurricane Sandy vote. [See above.] Loofah Lad gave Chris Christie one last kick at the cat.|
|Wait!!! What??? You mean to say that Fox "News" Talk Radio isn't the ratings juggernaut that it was before its brain-dead listeners realized they were being lied to?|
|This is another way Fox "News" spins the news. Check out that headline. "OH NOES!!! The evil government is now trying to dictate what we can name our babies. Where do I sign up?"|
Most of the Fox "News" brain-dead audience will stop at reading the headline. Only once one 'clicks through' is it discovered that this is happening in Iceland.
|I have a better question: Do 'Merkins care about what Loofah Lad thinks about the fiscal cliff.|
|Did you or Fox "News" complain when the last guy took 32% of his presidency as vacation days? |
All told, Dubya took 1,020 vacation days. At the rate of 83 vacation days in his first term, President Obama is on pace to wrack up 168 vacation days for his entire presidency. However, the Reich Wing won't STFU about President Obama's vacations. What's up with that? Then, when you point that out, they say "You're always pointing fingers at the President Bush." What's up with that? It would be far easier if they just owned up to their hypocrisy.
|It takes one to know one, Loofah Lad.|
|Nothing whatsoever was revealed. There was no dishing. Yawn.|
|I think he's holding his breath. Like a submerged whale.|
|When facebook is outlawed, only outlaws send cute cat pictures on facebook.|
|How many times has Fox "News" doctored photos, or edited words out of context? At least Pelosi's office stated in the release that the last 4 women were Photoshopped in. Fox "News" admits to nothing, even when caught.|
|Why does this picture remind me of The Pet Goat?|
|I want Fox "News" hosts to register like sex offenders too. Maybe I can work closely with Liberal Mark Green (who the hell is he?) to bring our dreams to fruition.|
|Bret "Bare Bear" Baier couldn't stop at just one pic of his son Paul.|
|Fox "News" delights in making Vice President Joe Biden look foolish. To be fair: There are times he doesn't need the help.|
|Mark Levin is another whack-job that Fox "News" loves to quote, because he says things that it is thinking.|
|"Because even though he's now just a private citizen, we're going to promote his latest crazy statements as if he ever had anything intelligent thing to say."|
|Well, mostly good. How are you, Bully Boy? Do you have to confess much when you go to church?|
|She does have legs after all.|
|She just refuses to send out cheesecake of her legs in close-up now that she's married, unlike when she sent out cheesecake of her legs out every single day [practically] before she got married.|
|When following the Constitution is outlawed, only outlaws follow the Constitution. Think about it.|
|Yes. Next question.|
|This was another way Fox "News" had to deflect the gun control conversation away from the massacres.|
|Hobby Lobby is the new Chick-fil-A.|
|Guns don't kill people. Repeat. Guns don't kill people.|
|Remember when President Obama said there are people who cling to their guns and religion? He forgot all about those who cling to their guns and their religion and their football, like Bully Boy Bolling.|
|"Quick! How can we blame President Obama?"|
|It's not surprising to see the NRA and Bully Boy Bolling on the same page of crazy.|
|More scare-mongering from the gun-clinging, religion-clinging Bully Boy Bolling.|
|Term limits is an unnecessary government intrusion on the people's right to decide who to elect to serve them. Libertarians should be against term limits.|
|And the week ends with another Dog Whistle. Toot, toot.|
It appears that 2013 will be as contentious as last year, which is why the Fox "News" Spin Cycle is working to improve your world. The FNSC is now loaded with 87% Fox "News" Snark by volume. REMEMBER: We do it all for you.