|Unretouched photo of Judge Andrew "Andy Nappy" |
Napolitano taken directly from my tee vee screen
If you recall, dear reader, when (several weeks ago) Judge Andy reduced his output to a mere 10 posts, I decided to fire all the Judge Not interns and hire a child instead. Larry (or is it Robert? I really need to remember his name, or hire somebody whose name I can remember) was being trained slowly. However, as Vice President Biden's Gun Control Task Force met with more stakeholders this week, Judge Andy became more and more unhinged. Suddenly, and without any advance warning, he doubled his output and Larry (Robert?) couldn't keep up. I was forced to hire a Temp at a much higher rate than it would have cost had I kept the interns in the first place.
The crux of this story: Monitoring the Laughing Libertarian™ has not been cost effective so far. No matter. Here's this week's edition of Judge Not:
|Alex Jone's crazy rants are the best argument for gun control, Judge. Please, don't stop.|
|By the time this Gun Control Battle is over, this mother will be lionized as a Second Amendment Hero™ with her own Commemorative Bullets and statues in every town square. |
Trust me on this one.
|Just think of McChrystal as the Drone Goldilocks: "These drone strikes are too many. These drone strikes are too few. These drone strikes are just right."|
|Sorry, Judge. That's just an outright lie, isn't it? The truth of the matter is that AIG treated the 'Merkin taxpayer as a piggybank. Besides, AIG has smartly decided not to sue the 'Merkin government because "suing the U.S. would kill AIG."|
So, with all due respect, Judge: what the fuck are you talking about?
|I love how people have seized upon this as a religious freedom issue, as opposed to a human rights issue. |
If anyone ever told me they wanted my kids to wear an RFID chip, I'd shove it right up their ass on the spot.
|While it may or may not be "economically catastrop," another faux fight over the Debt Ceiling could be a lot worse.|
|Gun nuts just don't understand. The Founding Fathers never anticipated wholesale slaughter by front-loading muskets.|
|When do I get my own tank and shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft weapons? I'd need that -- at the very least -- to hold off a tyrannical government for a couple of hours.|
|So far I'm not laughing, Judge.|
|Sorry, Judge, wrong again. The rule of law is sovereign.|
|Because you can always count on Fox "News" to cling to its Guns & God, which is much pithier than "guns and religion."|
|HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!! HAW!!!|
And, pointing to violence in Hollywood movies is the third laziest argument of Second Amendment advocates. And, I'd be careful criticizing Hollywood too much, Judge. Fox owns more than one movie production company.
|The best words of advice I ever received for instances like
this came from my Pops, who turns 87 next month: "If my grandmother had balls, she'd be my
grandfather." In other words: You can argue "what ifs" 'til you're blue in the face, but
that's not the reality in front of you. Suck it up.|
And, this is the 4th laziest argument from Second Amendment advocates. As stupid and offensive as this argument is, Judge, it's not nearly as stupid and offensive as the similar argument of Larry Ward, founder of the upcoming "Gun Appreciation Day," which appears to be designed after the Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day, except no one is being encouraged to eat their gun. Ward said almost the exact same thing as you did, Judge, except he said, "I think Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree with me if he were alive today that if African Americans had been given the right to keep and bear arms from day one of the country’s founding, perhaps slavery might not have been a chapter in our history."
You do realize, doncha Judge, that the Jews in the Warsaw ghetto were in the ghetto because of pogroms elsewhere and a ghetto was the best they could do? By the time Hitler came along the Jews had been marginalized for several hundred years. You might as well say, "If the Jews had guns, there wouldn't have been a Jewish ghetto in Warsaw." Or, "If my grandmother had balls . . . "
|There are far more people, according to the most recent polls, who think the NRA are "standing on the graves of dead kids" with its knee-jerk reaction to discussions of reasonable gun laws.|
|I still need you to explain to me how a police department having a drone is any different than a police department having a helicopter. It's not like I haven't asked you several times, Judge Andy.|
|This became the new way to bash President Obama as the week neared its end. And, oh lookie, Judge Nap is happy to pass along the latest Fox "News" Faux Controversy™.|
As long as the discussion remains on gun control, Judge Andy will continue to go off half-cocked. [See what I did there?] He'll continue to send out stupid shit without thinking about the broader implications. Which is why Larry (Robert?) and the new Temp (I know she must have a name) will be working 12-hour shifts, with their lunch break cut to 15 minutes. These weekly episodes of Judge Not don't write themselves, yannow.