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HEY YOU! YES, YOU!!


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Monday, January 14, 2013

Fox "News" Spin Cycle ► Episode 34

This week's Fox "News" Spin Cycle is similar to last week's in that it's dedicated to guns, guns, and more guns because that was virtually the only news this week that was deemed interesting enough for Fox "News"to report on.

The steady drip, drip, drip on Fox in support of Gun Rights Nuts, unthinking Libertarians, and Second Amendment Advocates becomes almost like poetry, or a steady refrain. I'm sure I've heard it somewhere before. I can name that tune in 3 notes.

Let's get right to it:


There was once a time -- and not all that long ago -- when I could count on beginning my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Ainsley Earworm. Sadly, she got married recently and (I presume her husband made her) stopped sending out that morning cheesecake.


There was once a time -- and not all that long ago -- when I could count on beginning my week with a leggy cheesecake pic from Bully Boy Bolling -- ACK! I was having a nightmare. I'm glad I woke up.
I say, "Bring it on!" As bad as the House GOP looks now, this will only make them look worse.


The so-called "tax increases" that Fox "News" is trying to get its brain-dead audience to believe is actually the expiration of the payroll tax holiday. President Obama wanted to keep the payroll tax cut, but the GOP said "No." Taxpayers can blame John Boehner & Eric Cantor.


Fox "News" is now reporting on every incident in which a person has used a gun in self-defense. Happiness is a warm gun.


Izzat a religious joke?

Next time you're watching Steve Doocy, mute the sound. He looks like like every amiable dipsomaniac you've ever met. Amiright?



This is the year scientists will succeed in cloning the perfect female Fox "News" personality: all legs, teeth and blonde hair.
And, so far, not a single one of them has shown signs of intelligent life, especially among Fox "News" viewers.
Fox "News" is blowing a gasket because a newspaper used the Freedom of Information Act to show where gun owners live. Happiness is a warm gun.
Al Gore is another Fox "News" Nemesis™ and the fact that he sold Current TV to Al Jazeera has been a never-ending source of amusement.

Think Progress will tell you what Fox "News" will never tell you:

Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal owns a 7 percent stake in News Corp — the parent company of Fox News — making him the largest shareholder outside the family of News Corp CEO Rupert Murdoch.

Something else Fox "News" won't tell you: Among serious journalists Al Jazeera is considered far more "Far and Balanced" than Fox "News," which everybody (except its brain-dead viewers) knows is not really "Fair and Balanced" at all.
If only Fox "News" were a Beck-free Zone. That almost happened. Sadly, after Fox "News" fired The Beckerhead, Loofah Lad started inviting him back on the air.
'Merkin culture started its decline when Married With Children went on the air. OH! Wait!!! That was a Fox show, wasn't it? Never mind.



Once again Fox "News" is trying to make trouble by singing Tevye's signature song from Fiddler on the Roof:


VIDEO: The Lego version of "Tradition"

That 200+ year tradition that President Obama is going against? Only men have ever given the invocation. At President Obama's 2nd swearing-in Myrlie Evers-Williams will deliver the invocation. She's the widow of Medgar Evers, the Civil Rights leader gunned down 50 years ago.

In fact President Obama is breaking two traditions: It's the first time a woman has given the invocation and the first time a layperson has delivered it.


I have a Falafel addiction that I can only keep under control by a well-placed loofah. Is there any help for me?


I tune in to Fox "News" to get all my Blind Sheikh news. Fox "News" is the only "Fair and Balanced" station brave enough to have a Blind Sheikh Assignment Desk, manned 24-hours a day, 7 days a week, in case there's any BREAKING BLIND SHEIKH NEWS.
IRONY ALERT: Taking responsibility is something that Fox "News" could learn about.


Of course it did. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Here's a lesson from Fox "News" Shit Disturbing & Deception 101. The lesson begins with Fox "News" sending out this simple headline, with no other information, attributed to Bloomberg: TEXAS SHOWS UP OBAMA. However, it's fully divorced from the truth. Fox "News" knows full well that only a miniscule number of its brain-dead followers will 'click through' to read the story. However, if you did click thru' on the link, this is what you would find:


You're not taken to the Bloomberg site. You're on the Fox "News" web site. And, once again, Fox "News" uses the same headline TEXAS SHOWS UP OBAMA, still attributed to Bloomberg.

Once again Fox "News" hopes that this would be enough for the miniscule number of brain-dead viewers who clicked through. However, see that "READ MORE AT BLOOMBERG.COM" link? Fox "News" is further counting on only a miniscule number -- of the miniscule number of its brain-dead audience that already got this far -- NOT to click on that link.

However, if you did click on the link, this is what you would find:


Why there's nothing at all about President Obama in the Bloomberg headline. In fact, there is not a single fucking word about President Obama in the entire Bloomberg article [of which the above screenshot is an excerpt]. This is another instance of Fox "News" just making shit up.

It's just another example of why Fox "News" is not "Fair and Balanced." Never has been. Never will be.
Zakly!!! The same way that Loofah Lad's constant vilification of Dr. Tiller removed his brain-dead audience "from reality, from their feelings, from their capacity to be empathetic and heroic and courageous and Dr. Tiller paid the price for it -- with his life -- later on.


Worst Ed Sullivan impression ever!!!


Of course the only "high profile liberals" he could find agreed with him.


There is NO EVIDENCE that a union worker did this. It remains under investigation. However, Fox "News" knows who is responsible and is not afraid to say so.


It's time to boycott Wendy's.


The only thing brilliant about Adam Carolla is how he carved a seat on the Loofah Lad Hour out of not being funny, just like that other not-funny, so-called comedian Dennis Miller, who also appears regularly with The Falafel King.


Dog whistle. Tweet tweet.


Bully Boy Bolling finds a way to smear Mexicans and drug legalization while declaring that "Happiness is a warm gun."

It must be noted for the record: There has not been a single gun control law passed yet. You're just scare-mongering, Bully Boy. Why not wait until there's actually something to complain about? Remember: Happiness is a warm gun and you have plenty.


Far more shocking to astronomers is the discovery that all of the Fox "News" brain-dead viewers live on this Zombie planet.


But . . . but . . . but . . . he hasn't announced anything yet. With all due respect, Bully Boy, I think you're jumping the gun. [See what I did there?]
Now that I've demonstrated [above] how Fox "News" just makes up headlines that are divorced from reality, would it surprise you to find out that Governor Chris Christie didn't "crush" Matt Lauer?

Although, to be fair, Chris Christie could crush just about anybody except Rush Limbaugh.


No, that's not what's happening either. Just making shit up again.


Oliver North, who really should be in jail, uses his perch at Fox "News" to promote his own projects. This is his latest book. However, more recently he was promoting his tour of The Holy Land.


Al Gore -- the Vice President Fox "News" loves to hate* -- pegged Geraldo perfectly in the story that Rivera tells The Falafel King. They laughed at Al Gore, but the joke is on Fox "News."

* Not counting current Vice President Joe Biden


Somehow the Nixon Library seems appropriate. While Nixon escaped jail due to a pardon, North escaped jail on a technicality. However, that doesn't mean that he wasn't technically guilty of perverting the Constitution, just like Richard Nixon. Yet he's a Right Wing hero. What's up with that?


When Veep Biden shot his mouth off [see what I did there?] it sent all the Second Amendment Originalists, along with Fox "News" and the NRA, into a giant tizzy from which they have yet to recover. Luckily happiness is a warm gun.




Dog whistle!!! Tweet tweet!!!


Scammity's angry. He already knows that Liberals will shred the Constitution and happiness is a warm gun.


When Dubya was issuing Executive Orders to say he would not adhere to certain laws that were legally constituted, and that included his signature, Fox "News" was silent. What's different now? Oh yeah, the Black guy in the White House and the fact that happiness is a warm gun.


I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric "Happiness is a Warm Gun" Bolling.


As stupid as this act was, it's still considered protected speech. Remember the Constitution?
Oh, fer fuck's sake!!!

'Merka's professional victim cries "Wah, wah, wah, all the way home."To paraphrase Ben Shapiro, who has been all over the tee vee tube in the past few weeks: "Happiness is a warm gun."

BREAKING NEWS: I read on a single blog this week (which means I have no confirmation as yet) that the question I have been asking has been answered: Fox "News" has not renewed Sarah Palin's contract. What's a Wasilla grifter to do?

In the mean time, I'm loving Sister Sarah's salutation of "Don't retreat, friends." This proves Mama Grizzly is capable of learning, even if she's not capable of having made a mistake. Remember when she signed off with "Don't retreat, reload"? Remember how before Congresswoman Gabby Giffords was shot Sister Sarah sent out the following? Remember how Sarah Palin refused to apologize for the imagery both before and after Gabby Giffords was shot in the head?


No? Here's a reminder:


One of those gun sights represents Gabby Giffords district. Happiness is a warm gun.



Happiness is a warm gun.
Any time Fox "News" can criticize MSNBC, it will. Anytime Mediate can make Fox "News" look moderate, it will. It's win/win.


Can we send Bully Boy Bolling to the edge of space . . . and leave him there?


By next week Fox "News" will be agitating for a statue to be built for this young man. Happiness is a warm gun.


Is that really something your proud of?


Finally we learn the Foxy Friends on Fox and Friends natural demographic audience.


By next week Fox "News" will be agitating for a statue to be built for this Georgian Mother. Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


It was very awkward when the NRA's press conference on its meeting with Vice President Joe Biden on gun violence was interrupted by another school shooting. Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric "Happiness is a Warm Gun" Bolling.



Oddly enough, Fox "News" is only getting one side's interpretation of what was said behind closed doors, but that's okay because happiness is a warm gun. 


Because happiness is a warm gun.

OOOOPS! Sorry! It's become reflexive.


Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


Well, yeah. That's factual. And, while many people will find this offensive, it's protected speech. See: First Amendment.

Why do the advocates of a strong Second Amendment always seem to forget the First Amendment?



Happiness is a warm gun.


HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Remember back in the '60s and early '70s when you could pick up Mao's Little Red Book in any Chinatown? Without realizing it -- or meaning to -- Piers Morgan summed up the 'Merkin fetishization of the Constitution. Maybe they should start printing them up in book form.

What??? They already do?

Well, then maybe they should be issued to every 'Merkin at birth, along with vouchers for school and vouchers for abortions, and a government mandated bill to pay off a for-profit Health Care system.


You mean this giant watermelon can fly??? Happiness is a warm gun!!!

Oh, sorry. I got excited.


I covered this latest example of Bully Boy Bolling Bullshit™ in The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest chapter in my ongoing, but irregular, Snark Series making fun of Eric "Happiness is a Warm Gun" Bolling.



By next week this Georgian mother will have a parade in her honour right in front of Fox "News," if it has anything to say about it. Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


When hammers are outlaws, only outlaws will have hammers.

Happiness is a warm gun.


When this "news" reached Bully Boy Bolling's desk, it gave him a 4-hour erection, for which he had to consult his doctor. But don't worry, Bully Boy: Happiness is a warm gun.


Loofah Lad wants to make sure his brain-dead audience knows of the tiff over at MSNBC [see above] because it's so damned important.


But, Geraldo! Doncha know that happiness is a warm gun?


Necro-porn.


IRONY ALERT: As Think Progress reports:

When 20 children and 6 adults were gunned down in Sandy Hook Elementary School exactly one month ago today, the National Rifle Association rushed to blame video games, not guns, for inspiring such mass murders. But the gun lobby seemingly lost sight of its target in the past weeks, and over the weekend released a shooting app, called “NRA: Practice Range.”

The app bills itself as a “network of news, laws, facts, knowledge, safety tips, educational materials and online resource.” The NRA reports that it “[i]nstills safe and responsible ownership through fun challenges and realistic simulations.”


The (alleged) dipsomaniac is now reviewing movies with torture in it. This was also a movie that Steve Doochey [sic] as one of the Three Stooges on the Curvy Couch used to bash President Obama when they claimed, many times and without evidence every time, that Classified Information was given to the director. Now it's "terrific."


It would be a cheap shot to say that Bully Boy Bolling gets everything exactly upside down.

However, I would be remiss if I didn't point out that Bully Boy Bolling gets everything exactly upside down again.


Happiness is a warm gun.

Fox "News" only creates graphics like the above for VERY IMPORTANT STORIES.
This is just another way to attack Al Gore. You can tell it's inaccurate because it's a Breitbartian story. However, Fox "News" is only (helpfully) passing it along. It has plausible deniability.



And, that's when I lost my temper. Read all about it at The Depths of Stupidity ► Chow Mein and Bolling 14, the latest in my occasional series that makes fun of Bully Boy Bolling. Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


IRONY ALERT: "Freedom" is Bully Boy Bolling's dog. Does Bully Boy Bolling put "Freedom" on a leash when he walks the dog? [h/t Zak Nilsson]


Vulnerable? Why would that be? Happiness is a warm gun.
Happiness is a warm gun.



Pass the popcorn.





Happiness is a warm cannon.


A totally innocuous message from Bully Boy Bolling. The best reaction to it was this one, which echoes my own:
The only preparation Bully Boy Bolling needs is to grease his ass, to make it easier to pull his facts out of.


Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm gun.


Happiness is a warm Duchess.



Happiness is a warm gun.

They're never too young to learn.

They're never too young to learn about assassination, either. Gather 'round, kiddies. There once was a man named John Lennon who played music that delighted the entire world. He was the one who wrote a song called "Happiness is a Warm Gun." He was assassinated with a gun before he had a chance to play all the music that was in him. Happiness is a warm gun, indeed. Bang, bang, shoot, shoot.



She's not a girl who misses much
Do do do do do do, oh, yeah

She's well acquainted
With the touch of the velvet hand
Like a lizard on a window pane
The man in the crowd with the
Multicolored mirrors on his hobnail boots

Lying with his eyes
While his hands are busy working overtime
A soap impression of his wife
Which he ate and donated to the National Trust

I need a fix ?cause I'm going down
Down to the bits that I left uptown
I need a fix ?cause I'm going down

Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net ]
Mother Superior jump the gun
Mother Superior jump the gun

Happiness is a warm gun
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun mama
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
When I hold you in my arms
(Oh yeah)
And I feel my finger on your trigger
(Ooo, oh yeah)
I know nobody can do me no harm
(Ooo, oh yeah)

Because happiness is a warm gun mama
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm gun, yes it is
(Bang bang, shoot shoot)
Happiness is a warm, yes it is, gun
(Happiness, bang bang, shoot shoot)
Well, don't you know that happiness is a warm gun mama
(Happiness is a warm gun yeah)